I'm feeling good today. Actually, I feel like I'm getting a cold, but whereas for the past two weeks I'm been feeling emotionally sensitive and frustrated, I'm finally (seemingly) emotionally stable again. After many tears shed and hundreds of the "I don't know!" answer to Non's question of "why are you crying?", we sat down and picked apart what was bothering me. The answer? I don't do enough for ME. Sounds terribly selfish, but I got over that and am embracing it now. The thing is, I'm kinda feeling cheated, but I felt too guilty to admit it. Here I am, at home all day. I work 8 hours a day from home (in theory, anyway), as well as taking care of the house and the dog. I feel like I'm doing two jobs, so when Non gets home all I want to do is have fun with him. However, he's usually tired from working all day, plus he usually needs to prepare his lesson for the next day. And ya know, it's not fair of me to rely soley on him for my fun. How did I become this person who doesn't do much for herself - when I was single I had a GREAT time doing whatever I wanted to do, but now somehow I've forgotten how to do that. Growing up, my parents spent virtually NO time on themselves. Towards the end of my high school days, my dad started taking some time for himself to write on the weekend, but the only time I remember my poor mother ever doing anything for herself was when she took a whole week and lived in a hotel. She didn't come home once that week, and at the time I remember not understanding that and even being a little frightened of it. But NOW I see that she probably got to the point when she couldn't stand it anymore and needed a break right then and there.

Anyway, after growing up in a household like that, I've sort of fallen into the same-ish role as my mom - doing everything around the house (though Non does the heavy, handyman-ish work), and almost feeling badly when Non does something I've deemed "my" job (though I never realized why) like unloading the dishwasher or vacuuming. We came to the conclusion that I just need to up and do things I feel like doing. DUH. I don't know why that was such a revelation to me, but it was. I'm still giddy over it! It's like I needed permission to do these things... permission from myself ("deep", I know). Non was wonderfully supportive about this (how could I expect anything else?), and yesterday I went to a coffee shop with a good book and my laptop. I spent over an hour just leisure reading and fleshing out ideas for nanowrimo. It was GREAT! I look forward to taking myself to movies, finding maybe a book club or another class to attend... ooo... the possibilities!