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20 October, 2003 * 12:39 pm I'm having trouble staying in a happy mood today. I'm not angry, I'm not sad. I guess I'm melancholy. I think part of it can be blamed on hormones -- because I'm exceptionally hormonal right now -- but there is some genuine unhappiness swirling inside me. This unhappiness stems from my job. It's not that I don't like my co-workers, because I do. It's not that I don't like contributing to the company as a whole, because I get satisfaction from that. Here's the thing: I've always thought of this job as temporary, but the longer I stay in this job and, hence, this industry, the farther away I feel from things I really want to be doing for a career. I want to be creative. I want to not feel watched all day long just waiting for a finger to be pointed in my direction (which, lately, has been happening all too often). The frustrating part of all this is that once I get home, I find my motivation to DO SOMETHING about it, to trudge my way out of this depressive state and into something much better for me, is nearly non-existent. I want a quick fix so bad I can taste it. I want to win the lottery. I want my script to sell tomorrow. I want some random meeting to lead to a fabulous creative career. I want to love getting up in the morning. I want to feel proud to answer the all-too-frequent question, "what do you do?" I want to get rid of this empty feeling in my heart and the dread in my stomach. I want to cry away all my worries and lay in bed with the blinds drawn. Due Date: Yesterday - 07 May, 2007 Misery - 30 April, 2007 An Unlikely Pairing. - 18 April, 2007 And the Beat Goes on - 16 April, 2007 � design by near-sighted 2002 |