I'm feeling awfully melancholy tonight, and I'm not sure why. By all accounts, I should be in a great mood... I just finished watching a two-hour E! True Hollywood Story on The Love Boat, AND I baked cookies. At the very least, I should be on a mild sugar high. Instead, I'm having difficulty falling asleep even though it's 1:30 (well into my sleeping hour) despite the fact that I got up 8:00 this morning, which was fairly early (for a Sunday).

Part, or all, of my mood may stem from a conversation I had this afternoon with a friend I haven't seen in over three years. In the midst of all our "catching up" talk, we broached the subject of faith, a topic about which I used to feel fairly stable, but now everything seems very gray to me. (Ironically, near-sighted had a similar experience today, albeit a negative one.)

Some quick backstory: I grew up regularly attending a christian church, and I even went to a christian college for my undergraduate degree. However, I've always had some issues with how faith, God, the bible, etc. were/are portrayed and presented to "non-christians". I most often find myself, especially recently, identifying with people outside christianity. Despite my rather significant religious background, I'd much rather go see a movie than go listen to a preacher. The difference between the two is simple: though the movie is fiction, it is presented as truth, whereas the sermon (which is supposedly truth) is presented as fiction. I am so put off by how most christians present themselves and their religion that I find myself shirking the beliefs I once had in favor of not being equated with them.

But. After almost three years of separating myself from almost every aspect of my once-prevalent faith, I find myself craving it daily. I'm not craving what I used to have, I don't think, I'm simply craving the connection. Until now, my desire to deepen my faith has been pushed to the wayside in an effort to keep from becoming one of "them", the staunch christians over whose behavior I cringe. I'm having trouble reconciling the God I know and love with the god that is portrayed by these uber-christians.

So I find myself asking the question, "Is there a middle ground?"

Does the God I believe in condemn these people or am I trying to mold (what I believe to be) these truths into a package I can approve of?